Sanctuary of Angels

Once upon a time

I would like to share my "Once upon a time" with you, in hope that it may touch your heart and inspire you to seek and find the beauty and light that you truly are. To empower you to begin a journey. Or give you that extra 'spoonful' of courage to aid you on your path.

Through my own journey, I feel I have learned so much, that although at the time it may have felt like a dark and needy time, much learning and light has come out of it. I now know that we all are worthy of unconditional love, happiness, success and prosperity. Worthy, being a big word for me to conquer. I know that we all shine an amazing light, of such beauty and purity, that the universe would not be the same, if any of us left before our time. I have also learned that life is a gift and I cherish it as such, even times of roller coaster rides…

As a little girl, Fairies, Angels and deceased loved ones were part of my everyday life. When asked only a while ago to find my happy time as a child, after clearing much frustration, I found myself in my grandparents garden sitting in a fairy ring I had built out of freshly mown grass. The joy, love and the freedom to be who I am, was all so neatly held in that little girl's fairy ring.

The belief in all that I was, and that meant my bond with spirit and even my soul, soon began to fade as I grew up and the pressures of peers and society meant I had to leave it all behind. Looking back now, something died in me then. I lost me and began to forget who I was.

I left home at sixteen, after experiencing many things a child should not see, hear and certainly feel, and studied as a Nursery Nurse. My love for children exceeded my love for anything else and in someway I guess I was feeding my own “little girl”.

At eighteen, I found myself with my own son - a single parent living in a mobile home on the seafront. Days were full of sunshine as I had the wonderful gift of a child so dear to me, his blonde hair, brown eyes and the dimples in his chubby hands being all I needed. I worked as a children's nanny, taking my little boy with me, and although life was difficult, finding money to clothe and feed him, when we snuggled up tight together every night- nothing else mattered.

When he was three, I moved house which meant bigger bills, so I had to work in the evenings as well as a barmaid in a nightclub. And that was where I met my knight in shining armour.

Funny how you just meet people and 'know' what role in your life they are here to play, that sparkle in the eyes, that stirs a memory, so faded, that it is not all completely clear but you align perfectly with that person and just 'know'.

We got married a year later, my little boy with his own ring, the three of us united beautifully one day in May. I cried as I left my son for the first real time to venture off on our honeymoon, the tears held more than not being with him for a few days, more like we would not be together the same way again. I did not have the reasons why I felt that way, something was just brewing, that wobbly feeling, in the pit of your stomach that comes before a storm.

Exactly a week later, life changed and the lessons began to pour in fast and furious, each one a heartbreaking challenge that I pretended to fix, swallowing hard and cracking on with life.

And so it began. We attended the hospital for the scan of our first born when we got back from our honeymoon and it was all so wrong. No one could say exactly what the matter was, which meant a trip to Kings College Hospital in London where the equipment was more specialised - and where we found out our baby boy had a chromosome deviancy, a syndrome that rarely effects the unborn, but it had found our baby.

At the time I was so angry I could not even cry at his funeral, I held it all in, missing him inside me so much. I had no baby and no pram to push…

One year to his birthday had passed away, we had just plodded on, we were so young, neither of us knew how to comfort each other and words were just never enough. My husband had thrown himself into work and I had my son. A pain that morning, whisked me to hospital, with an ectopic pregnancy. And yet another mourning. Another soul, not quite ready to face the world.

Finally, March 1997, two years of neediness was dissolved by a perfect baby boy, six weeks early, with hair like a Mexican, all black and sticking up, and oh, so beautiful.

And then, I seemed to be constantly pregnant, my nights of wishing upon stars, seemed to be, being fulfilled. In 1998, another baby boy was born, seven weeks early. Into the world he appeared, so tiny but ready to fight the planets and prove he knew how it was all done. And then in 1999, another ray of pure sunshine. A little girl with hair the colour of chestnuts and a feisty spirit.

How blessed we all were. The house full of tiny miracles everyday, the first smile, new words, his first steps, riding a bike without stabilisers, with a grin you'd pay money for. Goals being achieved, as the four of them, began to grow into beautiful flowers.

It's not that you can't have too much of a good thing, I don't believe in that. I was not prepared for the bomb that splintered my life and those around me, into a timeless space of a million pieces. But I guess, I had all along, even though I had survived the pains of childhood, single parenthood and bereavement, been ignoring 'me'. The little girl, I had left behind in that magic fairy ring and something, somewhere, knew, just knew, she had to be rescued, no matter how hard, that maybe.

Have you ever heard the saying 'How hard does it have to get, before you listen'. I smile at those words now, as I know I am quite stubborn and so the lessons had to be hard, to make me see, make me listen?

My health had not been the best for seven years; I had suffered an illness from the age of twenty-one, but I was in complete denial. I only took my medication in pregnancy to keep my health stable and even then I would question and research each tablet, not caring if my health was affected, just needing to know my unborn would not be harmed. The rest of the time, I wouldn't take the medication, it made my face and belly puff up, made me hungry so I would eat far too much and I would rather be in pain and in control of what I looked like. All to do with childhood, wanting to be perfect, a beautiful princess, I couldn't see that I already was.

I discovered I was pregnant again and was told I was too poorly to keep the baby, much against all that I personally believed in and my love for children, I had to have the pregnancy terminated. The nurse telling me to keep my voice down as I signed the papers, as the ladies behind the curtain cubicles were desperate for children and I was 'getting rid' of mine. How blind she was to not see the pain and fear in my eyes.

A week later, I found myself back in hospital. It had all been too much, for me to accept and my illness flared up big time to come and get me. I was internally bleeding so badly, I was on 800mg of intravenous steroids; my weight fell to a mere five and a half stone, twenty eight times a day, neat blood poured from my insides. I was very scared and alone, my children were afraid of how I looked and too scared to even touch me. My heart was breaking in half to be away from them, and yet I did not let it show, I was cold on the outside, stone faced, unable to feel any emotion in my body or those being offered to me, by people I loved.

I started to save any medication and hide it, yes, maybe it was weak but I was tired emotionally and physically, tired of all the hurt.

One afternoon, after a week of trying to stabilise me, the doctors came in and sat on my bed, the words so empty they did not even touch the stale, still air of the hospital room. I had three choices it seemed, try another form of medication with a high risk of renal failure, have my colon and large bowel removed, to be left with a bag at he age of twenty eight or die.

Boy, did I feel like I had won the lottery, three prizes and which one was the booby one?

Once the room was empty, the words still clinging and shouting at me from the walls, with a cold heart, I began to write to my husband and children, the words on the paper, full of love but not an ounce of feeling in my heart. I couldn't allow myself to feel, I had to go.

The most incredible thing then happened in that room, an experience that no words can ever express, a beauty of love and purity, that I could not compare to!

Sparkly, white lights, began to surround me, like thousands and thousands of heavenly stars, the brightest light imaginable, but not harsh to the eyes. And this 'light' poured pure love and incredible strength over me, enveloping me in a mixture of emotions - making me feel - feel the words on the paper in front of me, feel all the pain, hurt and anger! I cried, I sobbed till my body shook, that cold, heartless exterior completely melting, in what I can only describe as Heavenly Energy.

And under the armour of protection against the ghouls and beasts of the dark, a little girl appeared, with long silken red hair, blessed with sun kisses on her face, green eyes holding the magic of make-believe, she wanted to stay and fight, be strong and show the world that she could do it.

That little girl walks hand in hand with me now, I am 'me' and that feels so incredible, I am that pure soul that sat in that fairy ring, the sun warming her bare legs and dancing on the top of her head.

I used to wonder why it all had to go, from that child, allowing all around me to squash who and what I was. But now I am truly me and stronger, I can face a challenge with my chin up, not shying my face away. I have learned my boundaries and my gifts, which for me, as for you, are limitless. I am my truth - not someone else’s.

I am only human; I am not saying I am perfect. I still have much learning to do, which is exciting, an adventure. But now in those cloudy days, I listen, I really listen and find the rainbows hidden amongst the clouds lining. Lessons do not have to be as great as mine and many others, if only we listen and open our hearts, firstly to ourselves and secondly to the beauty of life around us.

That view that captures your breath, makes your heart pound and the tears well in your eyes - is you, a reflection of all that you are. My true hearts desire is that all that I have said and all I will ever say will empower you to believe that!

You are beauty, you are love and you are one with all the energies from heaven above. I honour all of you, for being just that.

Love Michelle x

Michelle Roberton-Jones successfully runs Sanctuary of Angels - a safe place for adults and children to come and explore the energies of the Angelic Realm. She empowers all to heal the past, free themselves from the chains that bind them and to see themselves as the beautiful person that they really are.

Michelle offers: